A book I made for my Nieces and Nephews.

My Uncle Listens to Black Metal

This is my uncle. His name is Zorlak DeViLle. But for some weird reason, my mom calls him Bill. I know he looks scary… but he isn’t a creep. I’m pretty sure he’s human, though he’s called a black sheep. See, when my mom was quite young, she thought all music was grand. But my uncle fell in love with black metal bands. A music that comes from up near the north pole… that sounded so metal, it possessed his soul. It made him paint his face and wear only black. It swallowed him whole and he never looked back.

Now Mom’s all grown and still thinks all music’s great. But my uncle only listens to the Merciful Fate. Most Times I wear shorts and red baseball hats. My Uncle owns a cape and a big plastic axe. Some men put on ties when they go to work… but this one puts on spikes and has a skull on his shirt.

Most grownups have friends named Frank, Don and Steve… Not Grimlore, Obsidious, Dark Hunter or Grieve. And others love animals like fish, dogs and cats. My uncle has a pet tarantula. It’s tattooed on his back. Once he picked me up after class and kids laughed, pointed and starred at the new purple streaks my uncle put in his hair.

I know he seems really odd, but he isn’t all bad. Let me tell you about all the fun that we’ve had. He teaches me drum’s And let’s me play really loud. I did a thing called a blast beat he looked really proud. Once we went to the beach and made castles of sand. My uncle wore combat boots so his ankles wouldn’t tan.

He still plays with toys. He reads me stories from books. He gave my sisters pet rabbit a more edgy look. He’s real fun to wrestle. He’s helped me build tents. He annoys my father at family events. He’s taught me to draw. He claims he can fly. He told me dinosaurs were never existed… thats just a government lie. When we ride bikes together, he only rides in reverse. If that’s not strange enough, his bike is a hearse.

I like my blanket and teddy when I take a nap. My uncle likes his headphones and hangs upside-down like a bat. When we have sleep overs I get to stay up late. So we can watch horror movies and eat devil’s food cake. On one such a night It rained and it pored… so my uncle pulled forth his dark spirit board.

Wielding the board, he conjured spell… to another dimension where horrid creatures dwell. “Ohhh Great Spirits!” He started to preach. “Give us a sign you’re within our reach!!!” I thought this was silly and I thought I was brave till my uncle received a message from beyond the grave.

He yelled “Ka Blahhh!!! Ka Blummm!!!” And he fell on the ground. He shouted Blaggah Blech Blaggah! As his head spun around. He twisted and shook. As the room filled with fog. He made bizarre faces. He barked like a dog.

With the gateway now open the room began to sway. My cake started floating. The cat ran away. The lights flickered and flashed and the clocks had stopped running. I knew right away something bad must be coming.

My uncle howled and shrieked. He yelled and he moaned… As he summoned electric wizards to arise from dark thrones. He gathered witches and ogres and fanged kangaroos. He called on for vikings and vampires and my math teacher too.

He asked omens and specters and demons come forth. Phantom funeral directors and some dude on a horse. I saw emperors—immortal and a conquering worm… pirates and pharaohs and a man-eating fern.

He ordered birds of the damned… to obey his commands. He made a robot gorilla with sharp lobster hands. He made a shape-shifting shark and parades of pirannahs. What can only be described as half man, half iguana. Barbarian hell-hogs sworn to unholy service. This started out cute… but now it’s making me nervous.

There stood petrified zombies that I thought were pretend. My sisters rabbit returned and it wan’t it’s revenge. I saw cannibalized corpses and mummified snakes. A long-horned snow beast ate my devil’s food cake Reanimated rockstars… long thought deceased. Something that’s made of just eyeballs and teeth.

I saw green ghastly goblins all covered in sores. I saw gorgons and gremlins and golems galore. It began to rain frogs and the house ran with blood. I saw scorpions, and snails and mollusks and slugs Flesh-eating maggots that feed as they crawl. That giant grasshopper just burst through that wall.

At this point I did wonder just how long I’d survive. Something seems to be wrong with that doll… It’s alive. I saw a freak with an axe and a fiend with no face. Maniac clowns and werewolves from space.

I saw seven deadly sins and one severed limb battle to the death before rigor mortis set in. I saw slayers and henchmen, head hunters and hags. If you stop this right now… I won’t tell my dad. A Babylonian god. My cat gone insane. Heads spiked on skewers and Giraffes that eat brains.

A thing that won’t die… Brutes swarming with flies… Unconjoined twins who plot my demise. I saw rippers and reapers. Chupacabra and rats. I saw buzzards and butchers. Behemoths and bats. I saw nightmares and day scares and all the undead. I saw a three-headed dog and my late Uncle Fred.

Later that evening… I just couldn’t sleep. Those wizards he summoned, they gave me the creeps. That wasn’t make-believe. Twas not in my head. It was real i tell you… as real as this bed. When off in the distance, I saw a black light dim. My Uncle had come to help tuck me in. He said… those visions you saw, that filled you with fright, can be useful friends if you use them just right. If you ever feel different… or sad or alone, you can use them to make you feel right at home.